This Cold Desire

by Monica Pasqual

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about

It’s been nearly ten years since the first time I visited the island of Sardinia where I performed with my band, Blame Sally. Situated in the Mediterranean Sea, the island and its people stirred up memories of a childhood summer spent on another Mediterranean
island, Mallorca, my mother’s birthplace. Though one belongs to Italy and the other to Spain, the islands have more in common with each other than they do with their respective mainlands, including their dialects, but more importantly, their island ways: cautious,
suspicious and remote if you are a stranger; warm and generous to a fault once you’ve been defined as friend.

A beautiful visit that woke up a part of me asleep for so long ended with the shock of the Twin Tower bombings and a surreal overnight ferry ride with Tom to the mainland, the two of us trying to glean any bit of information we could from the Italian-language news
shows that ran non-stop on the boat’s big-screen TVs. At the time, I had no idea how our own lives were going to mirror that abbreviated combination of discovery and joy mixed with profound loss and sadness.

I began this album as an homage to the Mediterranean, or more accurately, to the Mediterranean as it lives inside of me – through my Mother and the world she delivered to me by words and by paintings – through my own memories of two islands, two visits separated by 3 decades. But several years ago, my partner Tom was diagnosed with an illness that has changed the trajectory of our lives completely. As a writer I have never tried to control the outcome, I respond to what is, and what is, is complicated: memories, hope, sadness, loss, fear and joy. This album is dedicated to my mother, Pilar, to my late father, Walter, to my sweet Tom, to the late Jane Barrett who inspired “Bird”, and to those “little rocks” in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea, Mallorca and Sardinia.
Monica Pasqual, 2010

credits

released June 7, 2010

All songs written by Monica Pasqual, except Pierrot and Columbine, written by Monica Pasqual and BZ Lewis.
Produced by Monica Pasqual and BZ Lewis except for "I Knew You When" and "The Little Rock", produced by Monica Pasqual and Margrit Eichler, "Pajaro Sin Alas" produced by Monica Pasqual, Renee Harcourt and BZ Lewis and "Down by the Sea", produced by Monica Pasqual, Lee Townsend and BZ Lewis.
Engineered by BZ Lewis, except for "I Knew You When" and "Down by the Sea", engineered by Margrit Eichler.
Mastered by Michael Romanowski.

Package Design by Alicia Buelow
Album Art by Pilar Pobil
Photography by Tom Erikson

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about

Monica Pasqual San Francisco

In August 2012, This Cold Desire won the 11th Annual Independent Music Awards for Best Concept Album, Vox Popular (Audience Choice). In addition, Monica had two songs that won - Best Eclectic and Best Story songs.
www.independentmusicawards.com/imanominee/11th/Album/Concept-Album
Pasqual is also a member of the popular all-women band, Blame Sally. www.blamesally.com
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Track Name: These Darkened Days
THESE DARKENED DAYS

We got everything we wanted
but what we wanted was all wrong
The goods of sacrifice were flaunted
and now we’re haunted by what was lost
Oh, by what was lost

I’ve heard it said these skies were blue once
and full of nuance, instead of gray
And in the night the stars were thousands,
they could arouse us to sing their praise
Oh, to sing their praise

We were given so much power
but we devour, and we betray
And where is God among these lions,
these screaming sirens, these darkened days?
Where is God among these lions,
these screaming sirens, these darkened days?
Oh, these darkened days.
Track Name: Maps
MAPS

Numbers and surveys, guides and how-to’s
These navigations, they don’t ring true
I come from ages of stone and sea
Like ink on parchment
written on me

And this cold desire, the ways that I’ve been lost
And this ring of fire, the place that I must cross
Just to become
Just to become
Just to become

I know I’d see it if I’d just look
I don’t need programs, I don’t need books
What can they tell me? What can they know?
I am contained here
I’m on my own

And this cold desire, the ways that I’ve been lost
And this ring of fire, the place that I must cross
Just to become
Just to become
Just to become

Before I got here, before I learned
Before the lessons when truth got burned
I come from ages of stone and sea
Like ink on parchment
written on me
Track Name: Six Hours into the Woods
SIX HOURS INTO THE WOODS

Six hours into the woods I’m floating away
I didn’t know if to go, didn’t know if to stay
Look around there’s only me with all these ghosts
They’re hiding high up in the trees, I feel exposed

Ave Maria
I’m out here in the dark, I really need your love
Ave Maria

Six hours into the woods I didn’t get it right
Seemed like nothing but time - now I’m losing light
Miles to go and I can’t even read the signs
Ill prepared and under-dressed, I’m in a bind

Ave Maria
I’m out here in the dark, I really need your love
Ave Maria

Six hours into the woods I’m all turned around
Once I knew what was up now I’m losing ground
Catch my breath it’s like I never learned a thing
All my life just been existing in a dream

Ave Maria
I’m out here in the dark, I really need your love
Ave Maria
I’m out here in the cold, I really need your love
Track Name: Can't Live Without Your Love
CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE

I am humbled, I am tired, I have fallen off a wire
Not the one that you admired
But I can’t live without your love
I am shaken, insecure, lost my way and lost my nerve
Took it fast and missed a curve
Now I can’t live without your love

Just when you have given up
Pulled your fingers from the gloves
Made it clear you’ve had enough
I can’t live without your love

I am frightened, I am frail, I’m adrift without a sail
Staring up from where I fell
I can’t live without your love
I’ve become a broken thing, like a bird without a wing
Can’t remember how to dream
And I can’t live without your love

Just when you have given up
Pulled your fingers from the gloves
Made it clear you’ve had enough
I can’t live without your love

Every word I try to say
Ever time you look away
Every night and every day
I can’t live without your love

I’ve become a broken thing, like a bird without a wing
I can’t feel and I can’t sing
And I can’t live without your love

Just when you have given up
Pulled your fingers from the gloves
Made it clear you’ve had enough
I can’t live without your love
Track Name: Pajaro Sin Alas
PAJARO SIN ALAS (Bird Without Wings)

I’m a bird that doesn’t fly
When I go, is it earth or is it sky?
I’m a fish that doesn’t swim
When I sink, am I out or am I in?

I’m a rose without a garden
I’m a brush without an artist
Almost done before I started
Almost done before I started

I’m a bird that doesn’t fly
When I go, is it earth or is it sky?
I’m a fish that doesn’t swim
When I sink, am I out or am I in?

I’m a king without a nation
I’m a house with no foundation
I’m a flashy imitation
I’m a flashy imitation

I’m a bird that doesn’t fly
When I go, is it earth or is it sky?
Pajaro sin alas, pez que no nada
I’m a fish that doesn’t swim
When I sink, am I out or am I in?
Pajaro sin alas, pez que no nada

I’m afraid I haven’t tried it
I’m the maid, I’m not the bride
I always tried to justify it
always tried to justify it

I’m a bird that doesn’t fly
When I go, is it earth or is it sky?
Pajaro sin alas, pez que no nada
I’m a fish that doesn’t swim
When I sink, am I out or am I in?
Pajaro sin alas, pez que no nada

I’m a song without a player
I’m a card without a wager
I’m a minor not a major
I’m a minor not a major

I’m a bird that doesn’t fly
When I go, is it earth or is it sky?
I’m a fish that doesn’t swim
When I sink, am I out or am I in?

Un tambor sin su ritmo
Sin cancion un pajarito
Un dolor sin su grito
Un dolor sin su grito

I’m a bird that doesn’t fly
When I go, is it earth or is it sky?
Pajaro sin alas, pez que no nada
I’m a fish that doesn’t swim
Track Name: I Knew You When
I KNEW YOU WHEN

I knew you when every day was adventure
and every night was a challenge
that you met
I knew you when they called you Mercutio
and there was nothing you didn’t know,
if I asked

And you could run, you could run, you could run
With your face to the sun, with your face to the sun
You could run, you could run, you could run
With your face to the sun, with your face to the sun

I knew you when your feet on the pedals,
your arms brown and freckled,
you would laugh
I knew you when you were too fast to follow
and from behind I would call you,
“Come back, Come back”!

And you could fly, you could fly, you could fly
As you aimed for the sky, you aimed for the sky
You could fly, you could fly, you could fly
As you aimed for the sky, you aimed for the sky

I knew you when we believed we were magic,
immune to the tragic
and we loved
I knew you when our lives were like flowers,
open and powerful
and young
Our lives were like flowers,
open and powerful
and young
Track Name: Bird
BIRD

Bird, you’re gone, gone, gone away
Bird, you’re gone, gone, gone away
Morning gray I lie here, morning gray

Time, you tease, you lead astray
Winter freeze, winter decay
Morning gray I lie here, morning gray

Words don’t flow like water, gone
Turned to snow, can’t find a song
Morning gray I lie here, morning gray

Bird, you’re gone, gone, gone away
Bird, your song gone, gone away
Track Name: Into Your Hands
INTO YOUR HANDS

Silk and gold is all my fortune
locked and hid away
Safe and cold inside a fortress
built of stone and clay

Marble halls to guard my nature
bird with broken wing
Touch no earth and see no evil
keep my fingers clean

But there’s a garden and in the garden

Into your hands make me a wild thing
Water and sand, fire and kerosene

Time can hold, but not forever
years will slip away
Bought and sold, harnessed and tethered
just a simple trade

But there’s a garden and in the garden

Into your hands make me a wild thing
Water and sand, fire and kerosene

Through my window trees are swaying
shade and broken light
A falcon thinks not of obeying
his prey thinks not of flight

In the garden, deep in the garden

Into your hands make me a wild thing
Water and sand, fire and kerosene
Track Name: Pierrot and Columbine
Instrumental Track
Track Name: River and Stone
RIVER AND STONE

Everyday same excuse, nothing does change with you
nothing does
Everyday all I see, nothing does change with me
nothing does
all that we long to be rushes right past us
some call it destiny, the way we dig our heals

What are you thinking, the clouds and the drinking?
I don't have a clue
why am I trying, there's one of us lying
and I don't think it's you
all that we long to be, is somebody laughing?
I really had no idea, no idea what I signed

There's a stone that I've seen bleed composed of iron
like you and me
and a river where the stone's blood runs
as if the river and stone were one
our river seems so alien,
this thing we do not flow within
we struggle while she pulls at us
as if we think we could resist
as if alone we could exist

Time is forever but also it's never
and nothing between
the moments we steal and the moments we kill
don't add up to a thing
all that we long to be and what we're afraid of
meet in this no-man's land
pointed guns broken vows

There's a stone that I've seen bleed composed of iron
like you and me
and a river where the stone's blood runs
as if the river and stone were one
our river seems so alien,
this thing we do not flow within
we struggle while she pulls at us
as if we think we could resist
as if alone we could exist
Track Name: Down by the Sea
DOWN BY THE SEA

Down by the sea all the boys and the ladies stroll in the breeze
Setting sun on the city
Lights one by one and the birds flying crazy
Heart in her palm, did he know?
Yes, or maybe not

Down by the sea she will wait underneath the palm trees
And dream of the days, slow and balmy
Slender and brown, dressed in white
All the virgins, hands over mouths
Something sly, something urgent

Time has a funny way of holding, then letting go
Evening drifts slowly into morning before you know

Down by the sea mothers play with their children laughing
And she brings them sweets every Sunday
After her tea, which she takes on fine China
Still in her grandmother’s house on the Malecon

Time has a funny way of holding, then letting go
Evening drifts slowly into morning before you know

Down by the sea where they walk
All the ladies smile in their sleeves, and they talk
Something shady
Lights one by one and the birds flying crazy
Heart in her palm, did he know?
Yes, or maybe not

Time has a funny way of holding, then letting go
Evening drifts slowly into morning before you know
Track Name: The Little Rock (Mallorca)
THE LITTLE ROCK (Mallorca)

There she is, rising up like the Venus
from the green salty deepness
calls me back to her arms
Like a dream, little rock of the misty
morning light of the blue sea
calls me back, calls me home

Wandered far, followed all of my passion
lost myself in the vastness
like a wolf in the night
Drank of wine, ate the fruit from the table
like a child in a fable
out of mind, out of sight

There she is, strong and sweet as tomorrow
holding all of my sorrow
like the burden is small
Like a dream, little rock of the misty
morning light of the blue sea
Calls me back, calls me home
Track Name: Terrified
TERRIFIED

Hollow like a bone on a desert floor
Heavy like a stone I can’t carry no more
I can’t carry no more, I can’t carry no more

Caught like a horse on a carousel
Lost like a penny down a wishing well
I think I’ve been here before
Looks like I’ve been here before

And when I look inside
I look terrified
I look terrified

Mournful as a wind on the western plains
That’s how I feel when I hear my name
When I hear my name

Sometimes I dream of a different world
Where I emerge like a water pearl
And I am me again, and I am me again

But when I look inside
I look terrified
I look terrified

I have reached and I have fallen down
Everything I know keeps on turning,
turning round and round
And everywhere I go it seems like I’m just losing ground
Everything I know keeps on turning,
turning round and round
Track Name: La Tierra en mi Sangre
LA TIERRA EN MI SANGRE

My skin is fair, my eyes are blue
My hair the color of a cornfield
Born in the north I stand out here
Where hair is dark and skin is golden

Raised in the mountain states
My father was a man of great proportions
Tall, blond and pale, a Dane
His people suffered much for their devotion

My mother’s from Iberria,
Una isla Balearica
La Tierra en mi sangre,
El mar en mi historia

La costa de las palmas,
El campo do los olivos
Cargados en mi alma,
Encienden mis memorias

I was a stranger in
my city by the lake, the state of Utah
I’d go to Mass and pray to saints
Just like a girl born in Mallorca

We’d set the table late
My mother served red wine, we ate paella
My friends thought we were strange
And so did I ‘til we came to La Isla

Mi madre de Iberia,
una isla Balearica
La tierra en mi sangre,
el mar en mi historia

La Costa de la calma,
El pueblo Valledemosa
Los llevo en mi alma
La tierra en mi sangre